My Life is a Mess

Hi, I wanted to share my mental health story, so here it is:

I was neglected and emotionally abused for most of my childhood. Neither of my parents were in the picture, my father left willingly, my mom didn’t. I have severe ADHD that was diagnosed at age 7, and on top of that I was a “gifted kid”, all of this put a lot of strain on my mental state from a young age, but it didn’t get bad until I was in sixth grade. 

In sixth grade my best friend, who I had known for the majority of my life, committed suicide. I was absolutely destroyed, that was when I plummeted into a severe depression. I didn’t leave my bed for weeks after that, I felt so lost. I started thinking more, more about my grades, the way I looked, how I interacted with other people, I picked myself apart until I only felt pure hatred for myself.

I started self harming, I developed an eating disorder, I started having suicidal thoughts. Eventually all of those things came in a huge wave in the middle of the night and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I grabbed the nearest bottle of pills and downed the majority of the bottle. I got sent to a mental hospital for the next two weeks. The hospital didn’t help much, it just left me with my thoughts more, which in turn made things worse. 

After being released from the hospital I found out that my grandmother (who raised me) was having heart failure. My grandpa was already nearing the end and those two things just destroyed the last bit of hope I had. 

I went on, depressed and barely functioning for the next few months, until the inevitable happened. A police officer showed up at my front door at around 2AM and gave us the news that my grandpa had died in his sleep. I was in hysterics at that point. All I could do was sit on my front porch and bawl my eyes out refusing to believe that it was true. But still I forced myself to go to school, because at the beginning of the semester I had met someone who, although I didn’t know it at the time, would bring me out of some of my hardest times. All I needed was one of their hugs that makes everybody feel okay. 

That person is my best friend, they were always there when I was upset. I could call them at any time and they would listen to me and try their best to help, and to this day they still mean the absolute world to me. A few months passed and once again I woke up at around 2AM. This time nobody had died, but my grandmother had a heart attack, and had to be taken to the hospital. I still went to school and that day was awful. My phone was stolen, I had a panic attack in the bathroom, I was so worried that my father would find out (he had only recently started trying to be a part of my life). He was emotionally abusive, so I was absolutely terrified of him. Worst of all when I got home my mother was waiting for me to tell me that I needed to pack my things because I was moving in with her and I would have to change schools. 

I was so upset, I just cried and begged for her to let me stay. I was so scared that I would lose the only friend I had. Unfortunately my pleas came to no avail, I had to move. The move was horrible, I resented my mother for not being in my life, I was so angry at her for making me move. I started having angry outbursts and was fighting tooth and nail to try and convince my mom to let me move in with my dad. Although my father was emotionally abusive I was willing to go through that just to be able to see my best friend again. No matter how angry I got, no matter how hard I fought, no matter how much I resisted, my mom was set on me staying with her.

 I slowly adjusted to living with my mom, although my mom has her great deal of flaws and negative traits, she has helped me grow as a person and I appreciate her for that. About a year after the move I received the news that my grandmother had passed away, only four days before my thirteenth birthday. 

I was really upset but just like with my grandpa my best friend was there for me, they let me stay the weekend with them. They listened to me and comforted me when I was upset, and helped me accept my grandmother's death a lot easier. 

The next year went by and it was pretty uneventful, but that’s when I started my first year of highschool.  My classes were okay, and I had begun to make lots of friends. After about a week someone asked me for my social media, and I gave it to him. I didn’t think much of it, but that turned out to be a big mistake. We started talking and I fell head over heels for him. He was sweet, observant, and just seemed like a great person at the time. However, I didn’t realize all of the red flags. 

He turned out to be a manipulative, toxic, and just an awful person. I didn’t know at the time and all I could see was how great he was. Eventually, we started dating. During the first month of our relationship everything seemed too good to be true. He would come over and we would hang out, spend hours everyday talking, we’d go on walks, etc. It was great, but there were a few things he did that I now see were major red flags.

After the first month of dating things started to go downhill. He wouldn't talk to me at school, he wouldn’t answer any of my messages, he completely ignored me for weeks, until he finally told me that he was seeing someone else. After talking he tried to blame for the failed relationship on me for a bunch of reasons.

I remember one specifically. He said that I didn’t communicate enough, yet I was the only one actually communicating in the relationship. I was so upset, I felt sick, I couldn’t hold any food down. I couldn’t even look in his direction without breaking into tears. But I didn’t have to look at him much after that because my family moved out of state. 

We moved to a quiet little country town and it was nice. I made a lot of friends and I started playing volleyball. I found better ways to cope and I’m now genuinely happy. I still have my rough days, but now I have more days where I’m happy and loving life and I worked hard to get where I am. Things got so much better. 

That’s my story, I’m doing better than I ever have, I’ve found people that appreciate me for who I really am, and I’ve started not just dealing with myself, but embracing and loving myself. So if I’ve learned anything, it’s that, no matter how cliché this sounds, things do get better.