Lost Half Naked Across the World
Breathe in. Breathe out. In complete silence, for days. Wake up early. Meditate. Eat breakfast. Walking meditation. Free time. Meditation. Lunch. Clean up. Free time. Reading. Meditation. Walking meditation. No dinner. Bed time. Sleep on the floor. Wake up early.
This was the routine I followed in the middle of the woods in northern Thailand. I decided to do all of this because I was really spiritually curious. My focus on mental health often brought me to the topic of spirituality, which is a part of myself which I hadn’t explored much. I had been interested in Buddhism and at the retreat center I was learning about meditation practice and paths to alleviate suffering. Ultimately, I was on a quest to learn about myself. I asked the daring question, who am I?
Meditating on this question for days, in silence, I realized something profound. Spiritually, in my essence, I am the same as all life around me. The birds, the trees, the grass. Everything is connected. It’s all energy that comes and goes, morphing forms.
After leaving the meditation center in the woods, I was inundated by intense stimulation and experienced something life changing. I no longer looked at other people the same. When I looked at another human, I didn’t see another person. I saw another expression of me. It was so intense and so beautiful. I had never felt so connected and whole. I was at peace, because ultimately, nothing mattered. My individual life didn’t matter. So long as life continues, I was eternal and relevant, because I am life. I was free. I concluded my life, as I knew it, was a complete lie.
Ethan from Baltimore? 6 foot 3 and American. This is just a story. A costume really. Leading me to believe I am different. But I am not. Wow, this was intense. Not to conceptualize but to actually experience. I relinquished my sense of self entirely and fell to the whims of the energy around me.
By this point, I was slipping. My sense of reality lost, entering a dreamlike state. Everything felt so good. The sensations, incredible. The food, the light. The smell, the sights. I couldn’t handle the beauty. It overcame me.
I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t process. I couldn’t take it all in. Something strange was happening. I could tell. I knew I needed help but couldn’t physically fall asleep, or quiet these intense sensations. They were so amazing but they scared me.
I called my family for help. They tried to instruct me as I was panicking. I couldn’t solve basic tasks like how to charge my phone. Everything felt so confusing because my thoughts created another reality.
Who was this person in front of me and who did he represent? Was he a brother, coming for help? Or was he my enemy, coming to torture me? He worked in the military, what does that mean? What did he want? Who was he? Was he me? Untrustworthy, certainly. In reality this man was simply a fellow traveler, sharing a room and conversation with others.
I couldn’t fall asleep. I was already in a dream. I was uncomfortable inside so I decided to go outside, where things were more beautiful. I wore only my boxers & a t-shirt, leaving my wallet and passport behind. Now it was objectively dangerous, I was alone at night, half naked, exploring and analyzing everything in sight.
My mind was lost but so was my body. I had no idea where I was, walking endlessly throughout the night. I had a series of strange experiences that were difficult to explain. I laid in the middle of the road, observing how traffic would stop and circle around me. An ambulance came and people spoke to me, but I just sat next to it, perplexed. I left and was picked up by a man. He drove me to some ladyboys, who scared me. So I walked away and continued my night. I didn’t know what to do but night eventually turned into day.
I wasn’t sure how to use my phone but I tried. Calling parents and loved ones, asking for help. I was confused and scared, uncertain of life and death. When would things end for me or for them? I had just enough battery, a video call with my parents. Not sure if they called or me. They understood I was lost, both physically and mentally. They went into rescue mode, alerting the embassy and doing everything they could. They coordinated with a family friend who was in Laos and booked flights to travel across the world.
Thái strangers gave me shoes. I walked away without thanking them verbally. I accidentally ate cat food. And I worked in the fields with a Thai family, helping them move big pieces of construction material. I drank water from the hose. They invited me for lunch. I joined the grandparents. The food was incredibly spicy. At the end, they gave me money. I put it on the ground and left.
I walked away and with time started punching my head, hard. Mad at myself, getting payback. I hit pretty hard, but not nearly enough to knock myself out. With time, my focus shifted to water. I was incredibly dehydrated and scared. I communicated my need to strangers, in silence, believing they could hear my every thought. They weren’t helping.
So I banged on the doors of a hotel, screaming for help and causing a fuss. The hotel locked the doors. I was scary and unpredictable. I really just needed help. I saw folks on the phone. Some trying to calm me down. Soon enough police came. One after the next. I was terrified. I laid down, they got closer, I stood up and acted a fool. Pretending I was in a movie, waiting for instructions on how I should act next. Remember, this was all just a dream. They backed off, I felt safer. But utterly confused and still scared. Eventually reinforcement was sufficient. There were over 10 of them. I was put in handcuffs, my hands behind my back. They were incredibly tight. I was scared to death.
Miraculously an older lady who lived across this hotel was in contact directly with my parents. She had an explanation and instructions. I was bipolar and needed treatment. With her guidance, the Thai police put me in the back of their truck and drove me to the hospital. By this point it was night time, nearly 24 hours of wandering confused before captured, or saved.
I was put in a room, locked. I was scared to death, certain the cameras were on. They were watching my every move. Somehow this was a puzzle and I needed to solve it.
I didn’t know what would happen. How to save myself. I tried everything but nothing worked. I was let out of the room and a recognizable family friend somehow appeared, at this very unrecognizable place. Certainly none of this could be real. I just needed to save myself and wake up.
A group of Thai men moved me. I resisted. I was heavy. I was near fainting. My friend’s concerned voice in the background: “your parents are coming, you’ll be OK.” I wasn’t sure about anything, but that message, it gave me hope and the slightest sense of relief.
Now a new cage. On a table tied. Where I thought I was left to die. By starvation or incredible torture. My imagination knows no bounds. Instead of being paralyzed by fear, I fought it. I screamed and I turned. I could not move. Ignored at first, addressed later. Something injected. Sleep, or death, at last.
I woke up, still tied but calm. I survived, with limbs intact. Eventually I was given food. This was miraculous. This was good. I won’t starve. Even better, maybe these people care for me. They bathed me along with the others. I knew nothing about where I was. I made friends with another. He only spoke Thai but smiled and was giving. Back into the cell, or my room, I wasn’t sure what it was.
Time had passed and sure enough my parents and my family friend, together, at last. I couldn’t fully comprehend but there they were. After some time and conversation, I started to put pieces together. I was hospitalized, I had another manic episode, and my parents came to pick me up.
With some more awareness, I was both shocked and greatly disappointed. I was no longer dreaming. How could this happen again? How did I let this happen? After just a few days I was released, with appropriate medication and parents to look after me.
This episode lasted about 1 week, instead of nearly 2 months. I escaped delusional thinking, in part, because I recognized where I was. I had been here before. My mind played a trick on me again. I fell ill, not once but now twice. Below you can find a recorded video reflection that I did shortly after being released.
This was incredibly disappointing to discover. I had thought and hoped my bipolar diagnosis was something I had beat, something behind me. Now I learned, my family had learned, I carried this with me. If it happens once, it can happen again. If it happens twice, a third episode is statistically even more probable.
To this day, I have prevented another manic episode. With time, I am learning how to cope. Ever since this episode, my primary focus has been on wellness. I have found both safety and excitement in movement. During quarantine from COVID19, I have reflected more on my story and purpose. I’ve decided on something simple but exciting. I’m here to move well and inspire others to do the same.
Post lockdown, I started something called Dork Dancing to try and be helpful, with hopes to live, lead, and dance with purpose.
Please contact me if you can somehow relate. Looking to connect with others who may have experienced something similar.